I am the parent of a ninth grader. I have had two others go through our local high school. I am hoping my youngest will make it through alive. I’m asking for your help. For my child, and the children of all the other kids in the school. And the teachers. And the custodians. And the lunch lady. Everyone.
Could you keep your eye on your kid?
What has become evident with each passing catastrophy and near catastrophy is that there are warning signs involved in the lives of these youngsters who use violence as a way to deal with their internal pain and anger. Sure, the signs are nebulous. A dip in the grades. A dip in their mood. A slight pulling away from the family and possibly from friends as well. But what, fellow parent, is your threshold for concern. Speaking from experience, it is a very difficult line to draw. At what point do you intervene and get your kid some help? Most kids will balk at the idea of getting help . . . “there’s nothing wrong with me” is the common response when a visit to the shrink is threatened. As if sending them to a therapist is an admission of being damaged or impaired. Or that your parenting is less than adequate. Seems to me that this is one of those “tough calls” that you gotta make. Only, here, the lives of your neighbor’s kids are on the line. While it is especially true if you keep firearms in your house (sorry, I would like you to get rid of them . . . and please don’t buy your child semiautomatic handguns . . . please???), kids with a bent toward violence will find what they need to find. It is your job to monitor them. Even if it is intrusive and unwanted. If your child appears to be struggling and unhappy, if your child appears to be increasingly angry, if your child is becoming a changed person . . . someone you would not have recognized a few months ago . . . it is time to enlist some help. In this day and age, the school will be abundantly helpful. Call the counselor and schedule a meeting with his teachers and with the counselor. Let them know of your concerns. If you don’t feel comfortable enlisting the help of the school, get clergy involved. If you are not affiliated with any religious organization, call your pediatrician and ask for help. Open the yellow pages, for God’s sake . . . Get your kid connected with a therapist or a doctor that is going to provide him some direction. Some way to deal with the feelings inside. Some way to express himself in a way that is safe . . . for him and for others.
If we, as our kids primary source of support, don’t give our kids a chance to learn acceptable outlets for their feelings . . . they might find their own way to express themselves. Only next time, it might be our friends and neighbors who pay the price, too.
–Dan Hartman, MD
