I was in the local supermarket on Saturday. There was this older lady who was taking care of me at the deli counter. This supermarket is my usual haunt. It is not unusual for me to be in there several times a week. I have seen her before in there taking care of me and others. She appears to be a bit older than me, perhaps in her 50’s. Small in stature and thin. She appears serious in her manner both with her coworkers and with the customers. I have tried to joke with her to no avail. She does not crack a smile. Today was no different . . . no, I take that back. She seemed more serious. Her movements were more deliberate and more tense. She moved more quickly and made less eye contact and her body language was more angry. This lady clearly did not like her job. When she asked for my order, I felt uncomfortable giving it to her. She so clearly did not want to be there doing that job that I almost wanted to not order anything. I wanted to go away. I wanted to complain. I wanted to let her supervisor know that this lady was unpleasant and that I didn’t want to shop at their store if she continued to be there. As she cut my roast beef, I had various scenarios running through my head about her disciplinary meeting with her boss.
And then . . . the deli-Lama . . . I mean the Dalai Lama spoke . . . well, not really spoke, but his words came back to me as I stood there by the deli counter watching this woman cut my order. I had been judging her in so many ways, and, finding her not conforming to my perspective of what a “happy deli-counter worker” should be. I was thinking harsh thoughts and could even have gotten irritated enough to “turn her in” to her boss for reprimand. I am bothered that these thoughts came so easily to me, a learned shrink who is generally a nice guy.
In The Art of Happiness–a Handbook for Living (Riverhead books, 1998), Howard C. Cutler, MD summarizes his conversations with the Dalai Lama. I have not quite finished the book but already (obviously) have found it useful in moderating how I think and feel about events in my life. In bringing to my deli situation more compassion and forcing myself to view the events from other perspectives (. . . you mean I am not the center of the universe?), I found that my irritation over the deli counter worker’s manner lessened considerably. In the Dalai’s own words “the tendency to see someone as completely negative is due to your own perception based on your own mental projection, rather than the true nature of that individual”. In talking about compassion, he states “it is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility, and respect towards the other”.
With respect to my encounter at the deli counter, I know nothing about this lady. Except that she does an excellent job cutting my order to my specifications. How difficult is it for her to be working at that job that is typically populated by people much younger or much older then her. She has in her eyes the sparkle of intelligence, like she could be running the show, not cutting roast beef and cheese. What has the thread of her life’s path been. What has she seen. What tragedies has she weathered? What ecstasies has she savored. Where in the world did she wish she was that Saturday morning if not at the deli counter helping me. As I put myself aside and consider her as a person, I find myself no longer irritated, but filled with warm feelings of friendly compassion toward her. I will see her again. I will greet her with a smile and I will be nice. However unhappy she is with her job or other aspects of her life, I will not contribute to her unhappiness or suffering. I will strive, instead, to be respectful and thankful for her contribution to my life.
–Dan Hartman, MD
